American Idiots
by Ashmoon the Betrayer
Summary: When Tiny and Ripper Roo become outcasts, Fake Crash suggests that they all go to America to start a new life. How will they cope in a world where they don't belong? Very badly, duh! Now finished!
1. Chapter 1 The Mysterious Note

Chapter One- The mysterious note

**A/N: I Don't own Crash, and don't really know who does now, so here ya go. Also, I'm not really gonna describe the characters too much cuz if you're a Crash fan you probably know what they look like. **

"Ripper Roo, where are you?" Tiny scratched his furry orange head, looking around the clearing. "ROOOOO! Tiny's scared! Tiny doesn't wanna be in the scary jungle alone!" He yelled. Tiny missed his nice warm room at Cortex Castle, but the big-headed scientist had kicked Tiny and Ripper Roo out after an unfortunate accident with exploding bras.

Suddenly the blue kangaroo fell out of a nearby tree, and lay dazed on the ground. "Roo! Tiny was so scared you got eaten by a polar bear!" Tiny ran over to help his friend, whose mouth was filled with Wumpa fruit.

"Mmph!" said Ripper Roo. He spit out about sixteen pieces of fruit.

"Roo found food! Awesome! Tiny's starving!" Tiny picked up one of the Wumpa fruits and took a bite. He violently spit it onto the ground. "Yuck! Tiny hates fruit. Why can't Tiny have some meat?" Tiny growled.

Suddenly his small blue friend started to look pretty tasty. "Too bad Tiny has to eat Ripper Roo to survive!" Tiny gained a hungry look in his eyes and grabbed Roo.

Ripper Roo attempted to say _"We've only been out here for an hour!"_ but instead a fit of insane laughter tore through his lips. Tiny started to smile and then found himself laughing uncontrollably as well. When his sides started to hurt, he took in a breath of fresh air. The air he breathed in was filled with a delicious meaty aroma.

"Mmmm! Tiny smells meat!" Tiny let Ripper Roo go and ran through the jungle in search of the meat smell. Finally he found a plate with a mouthwatering T-Bone steak on it.

Tiny and Ripper Roo finished the delicious steak, and saw that there was a note attached to the plate. Tiny picked it up and looked at it. "Ummm…It says…Tiny can't read." He shrugged. Ripper Roo shook his head hopelessly. The two of them were a pathetic pair. Tiny could talk but not read, and Ripper Roo could read but not talk. Roo took the note and read it anyway. It said, _R U an outkast? Do U just wan 2 beelong? Com 2 the Outkast Klubb! Wee R In the kave bye the big streem._

Ripper Roo jumped up and down excitedly, and gestured for Tiny to follow him. Tiny had no idea what was going on, but he followed his friend to the cave. A crude sign by the entrance read, _Thiss whey 2 the Klubb!_ "Hee hee! That sign says funny things!" Tiny giggled. Ripper Roo didn't even want to know what Tiny thought it said.

The two followed a narrow, winding passageway until they came to a large room with drawings and graffiti all over the walls. A huge banner made of leaves was hung above them that said _WELKUM 2 MYE KLUBB!!!_

"Hellooo?" Tiny called.

"Oh my! Are they here already?" Somebody walked into the room. "You two could have been a little less on time, you know. I didn't get a chance to change my underwear. All well, maybe next week! So, I assume we're all acquainted? Good! Then we can get down to business."

"WTF!?" Tiny exclaimed when he realized who their host was…

**A/N: I'm trying to make the chapters kinda short, and I'll try to complete the story really fast so my upcoming senior year won't get in the way. I appreciate reviews, since this is my first fanfiction. If you seriously feel the need to flame me, though I don't see any reason why you'd want to, go ahead! I've always thought flames were so much fun to make fun of! Just don't make me feel too suicidal, m'kay?**


	2. Chapter 2 Fake It

Chapter 2- Fake It

**A/N: I promised to update as fast as I can, so here we go. I needed a break from trying to upload my useless "new" used Mp3 player. That thing isn't worth the plastic it's encased in! Now on with the show!**

"Crash Bandicoot! Tiny smash you!!!" Tiny ran at the orange bandicoot, claws outstretched. The bandicoot stepped to the side, and Tiny went crashing into a pile of travel brochures.

"Crash Bandicoot…good one! But seriously folks, if you have to call me something, call me by the name on my birth certificate!" The big-toothed bandicoot held out a piece of paper.

"Ooh. Pretty paper…that Tiny can't read!" Tiny shrugged.

"Grr, alright. It says Fake Crash!" said Fake Crash proudly.

"Erm, Fer Gwash?" Ripper Roo asked.

"That's what they call me, but if you want to call me Johnny Jack, that's fine too. Now who wants homemade cupcakes?" Fake Crash held out a plate covered in blue-frosted cupcakes.

"Homemade? Sweeeet!" Tiny and Ripper Roo each took a cupcake and took a bite.

Roo looked at his suspiciously, then turned to Tiny angrily. "Grrr. Brouenfsosgeyr!" He growled.

"Hey! Roo says these aren't homemade! These are from a gas station!" Tiny took the cupcakes and threw them on the ground, stomping angrily on their remains. "That's what Tiny thinks of fake cupcakes. Fake bandicoot equals fake cupcakes: now Tiny smash bandicoot!" Tiny stomped towards Fake Crash, who backed away nervously.

"Heh, okay, so I don't know how to bake cupcakes. That's no reason to break someone in half!" insisted F.C. "Erm, if you kill me, who's gonna be in charge of the club?"

"Govoebxosj, beo apeeish? Ywou atihrio sowue avoeush!!!" Ripper Roo exclaimed.

"Hm, good point Roo. If this is a club, where's all the people? Fake Crash is a…fake!" Tiny pointed an accusing claw at Fake Crash.

"Oh, well, I guess I lied. However, if you leave now you won't get to go with me." Fake Crash turned around, then looked over his shoulder expectantly.

"Ohh! Where?" Tiny immediately got curious.

"Why, a magical land where all your dreams come true…America!" F.C. took out an ancient, yellowing flyer. It said something like, "Come to America and get free land!"

"Yes folks, the U.S.A.! Where you always have whatever you want and the streets are paved with…" F.C. thought for a moment.

"Paved with what?" Tiny's muscular form loomed over the small bandicoot ominously.

"Well, whatever you want." F.C. replied.

"Honey BBQ wings!" Tiny cheered.

"Esogeso!" Ripper Roo yelled.

"Ew! That's nasty! Roo's a naughty boy! Geez, the author should have rated this story higher…" Tiny shook his head regretfully.

"In America we can start a new life! We'll have so much money we can knit blankets out of it!" F.C. exclaimed. Ripper Roo whimpered doubtfully. "Come on, Roo! With Tiny's strength, your knowledge, and my…unbelievable social skills, humans will throw money into our laps!" Fake Crash threw his arm around Ripper Roo's shoulder.

After a moment of consideration, Tiny nodded. "Yessss! Let's all swim to America!"

Ripper Roo laughed uncontrollably. "Yeeehahahahahah! Eeow aocoie apa! Tobs!"

"Yeah! It's way too far! Good thing an American cruise ship is coming this way tomorrow morning. It won't reach the island, but I've already planned it all out. All we have to do is break into Cortex castle and steal a submarine. Then we can stow away in the ship's cargo hold until we reach America!" Fake Crash explained.

"Uh…easy!" Tiny had no idea what was going on, but he was looking forward to BBQ coated streets, and Ripper Roo was sure looking forward to…never mind.

**A/N: Stay with me, the madness is only getting started. BTW, I just got inspiration for a new Crash Fanfic about Ripper Roo, so look out people!**


	3. Chapter 3 Stuck With Me

Chapter 3- Stuck With Me

**A/N:…Well, for once I have nothing to say…**

Tiny, Ripper Roo, and Fake Crash struggled into the small hatch of the cruise ship's storage compartment. All three mutants were exhausted, and the tiny storage hold was crammed with people's crap. When all attempts to get comfortable failed, the companions decided to reflect on their grand adventure.

"Whew! I don't think even Crash Bandicoot himself could say he ever had an adventure as adventuresome as that!" said F.C.

"Yeah! We had a fun adventure today. What was Roo's favorite part?" Tiny asked.

"Voos$shis4-D04j%39!!!" Ripper Roo exclaimed.

"Tiny liked that too." Tiny nodded.

"My favorite part was when we accidentally opened a rift in time and our future selves nearly killed us!" F.C. laughed.

"Tiny's favorite part was when Green Day put on a free concert for us when we saved them from that giant Play-Doh man!" Tiny said. "We couldn't have done it without you. Thanks for helping!" Tiny waved at the audience.

"Who the hell are you waving at?" asked F.C. Tiny shrugged.

"G&sow49&$sris&#$." Ripper Roo whispered to F.C.

"Yeah, you're right. I think all the adventure and cramped space may be getting to him." Fake Crash whispered back. "Don't worry though. Once he smells that U.S. air, Tiny's head will be as clear as the skies!" A crack of thunder answered him.

"Hmmm." Ripper Roo glared at F.C.

"Nooo! Now we're all going to die! Tiny gets seasick sometimes…" Tiny muttered.

Six hours later, Fake Crash, Ripper Roo, and Tiny were all thoroughly sick of each other. F.C. wouldn't shut up about the amazing Japanese garden he was going to build in their new American home, Tiny had already filled eight suitcases with his own puke, and Ripper Roo continuously laughed about the obscene graffiti he had adorned the walls with. Finally, the ship dropped anchor. Tiny peered out the round window.

"What do you see?" Fake Crash asked.

"Um…sand. Lots and lots of sand. Ooh! Bikini girls!" Tiny observed. Ripper Roo quickly tried to shove him out of the way.

"Hmm. Sowow ibwo s093^ ;)!!!" Ripper Roo described.

"Oh wow. We didn't need to know that." Fake Crash pushed him out of the way, and looked out the window. "OH SH*T! That sign doesn't say America, it says welcome to Hawaii!!!"

**A/N: Will these guys ever get to "America"? Sorry about pervy Roo. I really do luff him, but you know, things are always more fun when there's a pervy lunatic kangaroo on the loose.**


	4. Chapter 4 Welcome to Paradise

Chapter 4- Welcome to Paradise

**A/N: Sorry to say, but I'm really getting impatient to start the new story. It's gonna be really dramatic and…stuff. But if I started that, I would neglect this story, so I'm going to see this through to the end.**

A few forevers later, Tiny, Ripper Roo, and Fake Crash arrived in America. They saw the Statue of Liberty out the tiny window.

"Is it me, or does that statue look familiar?" asked F.C. **A/N: See the "Life's a Beach" episode in COTT.**

The three mutants crawled out the hatch and into the shallow seawater. "Thank God! Tiny really has to pee!" Tiny pulled down his…whatever type of pants he wears, and started to pee in the water when a short, round man wearing a plaid shirt ran towards them.

"Hey man, respect the sea. This is America!" he said in a nasally voice. The three looked at each other and squealed like little girls.

"We did it! We finally made it to the promised land!" F.C. proclaimed. The mutants danced around joyfully in the salty water. The man watched them, amused.

"Hey man, I'm real happy for ya, but between you and me the states ain't all they're cracked up to be. If I was you, I'd get back on that dinghy and go back ta wherever it is ya came from." He smiled sympathetically. "You'll be poor and bankrupt before your feet touch the ground."

Tiny wasn't a bit disheartened by this news. "Come on, the adventure can't be over! Tiny wants BBQ, and Tiny's gonna get some!" The huge orange creature stomped onto the shore, and his two faithful friends followed him until they were in the heart of New York City. The man stared after them and shook his head in wonder.

"Uh, wso0aa039s a039 #(SA?" asked Ripper Roo after about an hour of aimless walking.

"Uh, Tiny don't know what we're supposed to be looking for. Why doesn't Roo ask Fakie, since he TOLD US TO COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE." Tiny yelled in F.C.'s face.

"Erm, well I guess we look for…money! Of course! The key in the human world is to have as much of that stuff as we can!" Fake Crash explained.

"Cool." Tiny walked over to a pretty woman, who cowered when she saw him. "Hey lady, can Tiny have all your money?" He asked sweetly. The woman dropped her purse on the ground.

"Yeah, you bastard. Take whatever you want. I don't care anymore!" She walked away muttering, "Damn, that's the third time today."

Fake Crash counted the money in the woman's wallet. "Six dollars."

"#9a!" Ripper Roo marveled.

"Awesome! What'll that get us?" Tiny asked.

"Everything!" F.C. exclaimed. "So just think of what we can do with even MORE money!!!" He went over to a slightly ugly woman and ran a paw through his hair. "Say, ma'am. My buddies and I are a little short on cash. Think you could spare, say, all the money you have?"

The ugly woman smiled. "Sure. Anything for you, handsome." The "woman" spoke in an oddly masculine voice. Suddenly F.C. was a little confused. "You'll have to do me a favor first." The scary creature puckered its lips and kissed F.C.

Fake Crash shuffled back to Tiny and Ripper Roo, carrying a measly five dollar bill. "I'm confused! What the hell was that?" He asked.

"Xaios9 xp9ps D$((##(!!!" Ripper Roo exclaimed.

"Yeah! Tiny and Roo tried to warn you." Tiny shrugged.

"Wha? A man?! Why in the hell would a man dress and act like a woman?" F.C. asked, embarrassed. The two others had no idea.

By now the three had wandered into Times Square, gaping at all the flashy billboards, lights, and people. "Tiny's tired of walking! Tiny wants to ride in one of those cars!" Tiny knocked on the window of a black limo and yelled, "Tiny wants a ride in your car!" All Tiny got in return was "the finger" as the limo sped away.

A man next to him called, "Taxi!" and a yellow car stopped to let him in.

"That's a great idea! Let's call Taxi and he can give us a ride!" F.C. suggested. He put two fingers into his mouth and whistled. "Taxi, here boy!" He called. A similar yellow car stopped, and Tiny patted the dirty chrome surface.

"That's a good Taxi! Who's a good boy?" Tiny cooed. F.C. opened the door.

"Wait, what happened to Ripper Roo?" He asked, looking around. The blue kangaroo was nowhere to be found.


	5. Chapter 5 The Sound of Madness

Chapter 5- The Sound of Madness

Ripper Roo was halfway across Times Square, his damaged mind whirling around madly. All the lights, sounds, and action had temporarily worsened his insane condition. He had already stolen eight left shoes and harassed the hotdog man into a psychotic rage. Now the kangaroo was trying to cram an entire baby into his mouth. The angry mother arrived on the scene, snatching her child from Roo's jaws, and smacking the beast with a stiletto-heeled boot.

"Would someone put a leash on this damned mutt?" she screeched.

"Awww, a puppy! Can I keep him?" said a pudgy little boy.

"No way, Gregory. I can't even afford to feed you! Besides, this pooch obviously has rabies. Only one thing to do with scum like this." The overly hairy father pulled a deer rifle out of nowhere and shot. The bullet clanged off the sidewalk, but the noise put Ripper Roo into a frenzy. He kicked the hairy man into a nearby fountain with his powerful legs and lay on the ground, seemingly having a seizure. In reality he was immersed in a deadly fit of irrational and insane laughter.

Suddenly he seemed to explode right out of his straight jacket, revealing muscular arms and a set of claws like knife blades. Ripper Roo snapped the rifle in half, smashed through the window of a tanning salon, and began to destroy everything in sight.

A blonde woman whose skin was tinged with orange walked in and gasped when she saw the scene. "OMG! No wonder you're so angry! Just look how pale you are; you're turning blue! Don't worry, I have just the thing." The woman grabbed Ripper Roo under his arms and threw him into a tanning bed. She then took a heavy table and put it on top of the lid, trapping the kangaroo inside.

Ripper Roo screamed and thrashed about frantically inside the overly hot coffin, unable to escape. The blonde chick shook her head. "I don't know why you're fighting it! To be tan is to be happy! I promise you'll feel better soon."

Meanwhile, Fake Crash and Tiny were in the Taxi, keeping their eyes open for their lost comrade. "From all the screaming, I bet Ripper Roo will be around here somewhere." Fake Crash said.

"Man, if your buddy's causing all that, the police will probably find him first." The cab driver remarked.

"*Gasp* Who's Police? Is he a monster? Tiny's scared! We can't let him get Roo!" Tiny tried to hide his face behind his paws.

"The police bust ya if you make trouble, and they send ya to the cooler." The driver answered.

"Gah! A cooler sounds real cold! Tiny doesn't wanna go in there! Tiny's gonna save Roo!" Tiny ripped open the cab door and ran across the street.

"Tiny, wait up!" Fake Crash ran after the big orange creature.

"Hey! You assholes didn't pay me! I'm callin' the cops!" the driver called after them.

A huge crowd was gathered around the Citrus Styles tanning salon. Tiny and Fake Crash joined in, and peered in the smashed window. A blonde woman holding a small table was sitting on a tanning bed, speaking to it in a sickly sweet voice. The tanning bed was rocking about violently.

"So, uh, what's in there?" F.C. casually asked a pale, goth-looking girl.

Her face became grim and serious. "A dark demonic beast for which there is no name. I think it's the very essence of insanity, manifesting itself as a small blue dog creature." She took out an exotic looking netlike thing. "I'm going to catch it and add it to my collection of evil spirits."

Tiny gasped. "Nooooo! They really did put Roo in that cooler! Tiny'll save you!" Tiny raced into the salon, followed by F.C. and the goth girl.

The blonde woman smiled when she saw the three newcomers. "Well, you two gentlemen have awesome tans! Are you regular customers? And you, girl, you're just in time to revitalize your skin before it turns to dust!"

"I know you! You must be the restless and malignant spirit of vanity! I've been hunting you for six years. Want to know where your friend stupidity went? I put her in my growing collection; exactly where you're going!" The goth girl raced at the blonde woman, her strange net in the air.

The woman leaped off the tanning bed. "Um, er, it looks like I have to go! I have an urgent customer to attend to." She jumped out the smashed window and raced down the street, the spirit hunter girl close behind.

"Um, okay then. Let's save our friend!" F.C. opened the tanning bed, and Ripper Roo's head poked out, grinning happily.

Tiny fanned himself with one orange paw. "Sheesh! For a cooler, it's pretty hot in that box!"

"You know, I'm starting to think we should-oh my god, a toy store!" F.C.'s green eyes gazed over at the largest toy store he had ever seen.

"Tiny wants to buy Pokémon!" Tiny announced.

"Unfortunately I spent all our money on allergy pills and oatmeal. So we can look, but don't touch." F.C. warned.

Ripper Roo looked at his unbound arms confusedly. "Woa9sxa4s9s$($$sowso9!" he said.

"Oh, right. Does anyone have a straight jacket on them?" F.C. asked the crowd.

"I do." A tall, hollow-eyed man handed the bandicoot a straight jacket. F.C. put it on a relieved-looking Ripper Roo.

"Now we can go to this toy store, but no touching, got it?" F.C. asked. Tiny and Roo nodded obediently, and the three went into the store.


	6. Chapter 6 The Gift

Chapter 6- The Gift

Ripper Roo, Tiny, and Fake Crash entered the enormous toy store and marveled at all the overpriced merchandise. Tiny managed to locate the Pokémon section and he stared at all the stuffed ones, his tiger tail twitching happily. Ripper Roo was considering stuffing as many yo-yos down his throat as he could. Fake Crash had to pee really badly. He wandered over to a bored cashier.

"Hey, where's the bathroom?" he asked.

"Paying customers only." answered the teenage boy.

"WTF? Well, thanks for nothing. I'll just take my business elsewhere."

The teen peered closely at F.C. "Uh, I think you need to shave." F.C. ignored him and went back to his comrades.

"Ripper Roo, get that Hannah Montana poster out of your mouth!" he yelled. The kangaroo grudgingly agreed. "Where's Tiny?" F.C. wondered.

"Uh, As98s9a a94h D*S(S( H(S) ahi." Ripper Roo replied.

"The Barbie section? Okay." F.C. went to the disgustingly pink aisle and found Tiny sobbing over a Barbie wearing a pink bikini.

"Sorry buddy, but I told you we can't buy anything. Especially a Barbie that costs five hundred dollars."

Tiny sniffed. "But, this is the ultra rare PG-13 rated talking Barbie that says over fifty random PG-13 phrases! Tiny wanted to give it to Fake Crash for a present."

"Wow, how'd you know that I had an extensive Barbie collection? That's really thoughtful, Tiny. Thanks for thinking of me, but we don't have any cash." Fake Crash clapped Tiny on the back and left him to mourn his Barbie.

He sat on a bench and waited for his friends to be done, when the store manager stomped up to him. She was a short stocky woman with greasy hair.

"You're all sick freaks, ya know that?"

"Erm…" F.C. was confused.

"The sign on the door says 'No shirt, no shoes, no service!' You and the big cat aren't wearin' shirts, and the blue guy ain't wearin' shoes. Hell, he ain't even wearin' pants! You three nudists get the hell outta my store before I call the cops!" the woman rasped.

Fake Crash stood up. "Okay, okay! No problem, we're out of here five minutes ago! Tiny! Ripper Roo! Get over here!" he called.

Ripper Roo leaped over, his big mouth bulging.

"Spit it out." F.C. commanded. The kangaroo spit two X-Box 360s and one Harry Potter potion set.

"Hmph. Stealin' from my store? I'm soooo callin' the cops." The manager bared her crooked yellow teeth.

"Please don't do that. Ripper Roo isn't right in the head, you see. He's um…a kleptomaniac." F.C. lied.

"Awhah?" The woman was confused. Tiny appeared just then, looking nervous.

"Awww, time to go now?" he asked.

"We didn't mean any harm. We're foreigners you see, and we know nothing of the strange laws in your land." F.C. tried to look as ignorant as possible.

"Alright. So ya'll are just dummies. I get it. Just don't come back in here if'n ya knows what's good fer ya." The ugly manager warned.

Fake Crash thanked her and the three friends left the store. "Sheesh! It's clear that we need to behave better if we're going to survive here." said the orange bandicoot.

"Tiny's tired! Let's go to bed." Tiny stretched his powerful arms.

"Okay! Have any ideas where we should sleep?" F.C. asked.

"Let's find a house and sleep there!" Tiny suggested.

"Of course! All humans have houses; we just have to find one of our own!" F.C. brightened. "But how can we get around faster?"

Ripper Roo pointed a foot claw to stairs leading underground. He gibbered excitedly. The sign read, "Subway".

"Subway? Great! Tiny's a little hungry too." Tiny licked his lips.

"No! A subway is like a train underground! We can ride it anywhere we want!" Fake Crash explained.

The anthros walked down the stairs and arrived in the crowded subway tunnel, where all kinds of humans were waiting around for the next train to arrive. The three stood next to a serious looking businessman. A hippie woman walked behind them, brushing against Tiny's pants.

"OMG! You are such a hottie!" said Tiny's pants in a girlie voice. The businessman slowly looked at Tiny, his face turning red with embarrassment. He pushed through the crowd to get away.

"What was that all about?" F.C. asked. Tiny shrugged.

The train arrived, and the anthros crowded into one of the narrow doors. They walked down the aisle until they found a seat next to a shy looking woman with large glasses.

"Hi! I'm Tiny, and this is Ripper Roo and Fake Crash!" he told her. The woman smiled shyly.

As Tiny sat down, he turned toward a nervous Ripper Roo and smiled reassuringly.

"Look at her! That chick's pants make her ass look so big," muttered Tiny's pants. The woman gasped and moved to a seat fifty feet away.

"I think that chick was scared of you!" Fake Crash remarked.

Soon a brawny red-haired biker sat across from them, and glared at Tiny challengingly.

"Woah, I sure wouldn't want to make that guy angry!" F.C. whispered.

"SIa9 U$)#*…" Ripper Roo complained, his stomach growling.

"Oh! Tiny has a candy bar in his pocket he can share!" Tiny reached into his pocket and pulled out the candy bar.

"Hey you! Yeah you with the face! I know what you did. Want a piece of me, little bitch?" Tiny's pants exclaimed quite loudly. The biker's face began to turn as red as his hair. He stood up and cracked his knuckles.

"Um, Tiny, why did you just say that?" Fake Crash asked in a small voice.

The thug grabbed Tiny's ears and shoved him against the wall. "Teehee! I'm such a whore!" proclaimed Tiny's pants.

"You're gonna wish you were after I get done with yer face!" The thug growled.

Tiny's eyes turned blood red and he let out a fearsome roar. He grabbed the biker around his waist and hoisted him high in the air. "YOU ARE A BAD MAN. TINY SMASH!" Tiny effortlessly threw the man out of the glass window, sat down, and began to munch happily on his candy bar.

"Uh, Tiny? Is there something you want to tell us?" Fake Crash glared at Tiny accusingly.

Tiny sighed. "Yeah…surprise, a gift for Fake Crashie!" Tiny took the PG-13 Barbie from his pocket and displayed it proudly.

"Dammit! I told you not to buy anything!" F.C. slapped himself in the face.

"Tiny knows, so Tiny didn't buy it! He just took it!" Tiny explained, grinning like a kid who finished building his own tree house.

"You stole-shhh! Don't say it so loud. *Sigh* what are we going to do now?" F.C. thought deeply.

"A9d94 S)%$W)$%%)*S)*$*))*S)$)*)__!#*(" Ripper Roo suggested.

"You're right. We just have to go back to the toy store and explain everything. Maybe she'll understand. After all, as long as it's still in the box there shouldn't be a problem, right?" F.C. asked hopefully. Ripper Roo nodded excitedly.

At the next subway stop the three anthros backtracked all the way to the toy store. Finding a place to stay would have to wait.

"There's the toy store! I hope they're still open!" F.C. said. They reached the door, where the OPEN sign was still up. "Yessss!"

Fake Crash's relieved face turned to horror as the ugly manager appeared in the window. She turned the OPEN sign around, and it now read CLOSED. She grinned sadistically at the three friends.

Tiny banged on the window with both fists. "Let us in! It's a 'mergency!" He sobbed. The disgusting woman jabbed a nail into the CLOSED sign and stuck out her dry, crusty tongue. She walked away, laughing evilly.

**A/N: I didn't think I could find the will to finish this chapter! But Stephen King was right; a story knows where it wants to go, and it will pretty much take you there. But the plot just keeps getting deeper, and I didn't even think I was going to have this many chapters. All well, I'll just let the story end when it wants to…**


	7. Chapter 7 That's What You Get

Chapter 7- That's What You Get

Tiny sat on the ground, sobbing wretchedly. "Waaaaaaah! Tiny doesn't wanna get in trouble! Tiny wants to go home now!"

Fake Crash patted him on the back. "We can never go home. We're outcasts, miscreants, unwanted by society! This is our home now."

Tiny wasn't comforted by this. "Tiny doesn't see any BBQ in the streets! Fake Crash promised Tiny BBQ! Fake Crash is a dirty liar!"

"SI9w0U&& #W(SYSS…" Ripper Roo whimpered nervously.

"Now what kind of Debbie Downer talk is that? We are not going to have to sleep on a park bench, and we're certainly not going to be raped and murdered." Fake Crash tried to sound more confident than he felt. He sensed that he was losing control of the entire situation. "Don't worry, we'll find a nice apartment to sleep in, and then in the morning we can return the Barbie. Then we'll be back in the game."

The three outcasts entered the nearest apartment building. Tiny walked up the stairs and opened one of the doors. A little girl wearing red pajamas opened the door.

"Hi! Tiny and his friends are tired. It's our turn to use this house. Now get out." Tiny explained sweetly. The girl screamed and slammed the door.

Fake Crash shook his head ruefully. "Tiny, you can't just tell someone to get out of their house. We have to find our own apartment." He explained.

They all walked to the front desk, where a frail, thin man was reading Teen Vogue magazine. He looked up. "Whatcha want from me?"

"DIS(SSS)S$*#0e934w%&#)#__." Ripper Roo explained.

"Izzat so? Well, we don' take checks. Ya better have cash in advance." The man drawled.

"Erm, excuse me? We have to pay for a place to stay?" F.C. asked, bewildered.

The man laughed out loud. "Harhar! You betcher fur ya have ta pay! I ain't runnin' no volunteer service here! Whatcha think this is, a homeless shelter? Or mebbe ya should go find uh…aminal shelter!"

"You mean an animal shelter?"

The man's face paled. "Git the hell outta here ya hobos!"

Thirty minutes later, Fake Crash, Tiny, and Ripper Roo were in Central Park, huddled together on a park bench.

"SHI#(S. AO0axpsa9oapW*!!!" Ripper Roo pointed out worriedly.

"Okay, so you were right about the bench thing. So just in case you're right about the whole raped and murdered thing, we'll take turns keeping watch tonight." Fake Crash suggested.

Tiny's stomach growled. "*Snuffle* Tiny's sooooooo hungry!"

An old, withered blind lady walked by. "Oh! You poor child! All alone without a mother and father! Did you run away from the orphanage? I know it's a sucky place, cuz I grew up there. Here, you poor starving chick. Take this box of boneless teriyaki wings, and good luck!" The blind lady shoved the box into Ripper Roo's mouth and hobbled away.

"What a stroke of luck! But we need to be careful, cuz where there's good food someone will want to steal it." F.C. looked around the park suspiciously.

After sharing a delicious meal of wings (and fighting off several hobos) the friends decided to sleep.

"*Yawn* Goodnight guys! Who's taking first watch?" Fake Crash stretched himself on the bench, knocking Tiny and Ripper Roo to the ground.

"Uh…Tiny?" Tiny scratched his head.

"Right. See you in three hours!" F.C. started snoring immediately. Ripper Roo shrugged and curled up in a tiny ball under the bench.

Tiny attempted to stay awake for all three hours, but it wasn't going well. His eyelids drooped constantly, and the distant car horns and chirping birds were like a lullaby. "Tiny's tired, and bored." He thought aloud, but he couldn't let his fellow club members down! Suddenly his claws traveled to the rectangular shape of the Barbie box in his pocket. "Oh! Tiny can play with the special Barbie!"

Tiny removed the expensive doll from its packaging. Then he took the teriyaki box and fashioned it into the shape of another doll. He scratched the shape of eyes, and fangs on its face. Satisfied with his work, he began to play with the dolls.

"Hello Crash Bandicoot! Tiny doesn't want to fight anymore. Tiny wants to be friends with the bandicoots!" Tiny made the cardboard doll say.

"I heard you suck in bed!" said the PG-13 Barbie.

"*Gasp!* That wasn't a very nice thing to say. Crash hurt Tiny's feelings! Now Tiny smash!" Tiny smacked the cardboard doll into the Barbie several times. The more he thought about Crash, the angrier he became. Without warning, the expensive PG-13 Barbie's head fell off.

"Uh-oh." Tiny stared at his victim, his huge mouth opening and closing. "Meep! I killed her."

Ripper Roo removed his ears from his eyes and saw what happened. "Gah! Gaaaaaaaaah! $#!%" He exclaimed.

F.C. jerked awake. "Wha?" He also saw the gruesome murder. "Aaaaaaaagh! You destroyed the ultra rare $500 PG-13 rated Barbie! Now we're in deep…" The sound of sirens cut him off.

"Waaaaaaaahhh! Tiny doesn't wanna go to jail!" Tiny picked up the remains of the trash-talking doll and ran off. The others weren't far behind.

"Tiny, wait! Maybe they're after somebody else!" Fake Crash's hopes were smashed at the sight of the numerous cop cars stopping just in front of Tiny.

"You three are under arrest for third degree murder!" The lead officer had both a megaphone and a mustache. Tiny roared and punched one cop right in the jaw. Suddenly an entire police forced swarmed over him and tackled him to the ground.

"_! …" said Ripper Roo.

"Yeah. We're screwed." F.C.'s ears drooped.

**A/N: Another cliffhanger…cuz they rock, that's why!!!**


	8. Chapter 8 Good Riddance

Chapter 8- Good Riddance

**A/N: …Last chapter…Definitely not the last story though.**

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!" Tiny gripped the iron bars of the jail cell.

"!*_*!" Ripper Roo complained.

"Yeah! You haven't quit blubbering since we landed in here so just shut up already!" F.C. commanded. The crew had been in jail for only an hour and they were already driving each other nuts.

"It's F.C.'s fault Tiny and Roo are here in the first place! Tiny should smash! All bandicoots suck!" Tiny looked at F.C. with murder in his eyes.

"You take that back! It wasn't my fault! You guys agreed to go!" F.C. defended.

"Tiny wishes he was back with Cortex! He's way more smarter than you!" Tiny accused.

"*Sob* I only wanted to go on a fun vacation with friends!" Fake Crash put his face in his paws. "I don't have any friends! I don't have a place where I belong. I'm a nobody!"

Ripper Roo bounded over to the sad creature. "V&D#." He said.

F.C. brightened. "You…you really mean that? You and Tiny are my friends, and you really did have fun?" The kangaroo nodded. F.C. hugged him. "Thanks! That means a lot to me. You know Roo, I didn't think you were capable of compassion and understanding."

A police officer handed Tiny a phone. "One phone call." he offered.

Fake Crash took the phone. "Awesome! We can call for help! Uh, officer, does this phone have long distance? Reeeeeeeaaaaalllly long distance?" The officer shrugged.

F.C. dialed for all he was worth. "I hope I call the right person!"

The phone rang, and a female voice answered. "Bandicoot residence, who's calling?"

"Coco? Thank God! You've got to help us, we're in jail in New York City!" F.C. explained.

"Who's us?" asked Coco.

"Um, Fake Crash, Tiny, and Ripper Roo."

Coco sighed. "Fake Crash, I know this is another prank call. You used the exact same thing last week. Stop bugging us!" she hung up.

"Damn." breathed F.C. He turned back to Tiny and Ripper Roo. "I don't know how to say this, but I wasted our only phone call."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Tiny's scream echoed miserably through the corridor.

Two hours later, the dejected friends sat around their jail cell, not speaking to one another. Suddenly the officer came back and announced that they were free.

"What? How's that? Tiny killed Barbie! KILLED." Tiny was confused.

"Oh, actually she's recovering quite nicely. She should be just fine. Plus, she's agreed not to press charges!" said the cop. Tiny gaped at him.

"Well, Barbie admitted that if she hadn't insulted you, you wouldn't have had a reason to tear her plastic head off. Isn't that woman a sweetheart?" the cop thought for a moment. "Oh yeah, and somebody paid your bail."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Tiny's happy yell also echoed through the corridor.

The three relieved anthros went into the lobby, where Nina Cortex was waiting impatiently.

"Nina? You're the one who freed us?" Fake Crash asked.

"Yeah. It cost me all the money from my summer job, but my uncle wants you back." Nina answered.

"YAAAAAAAAAY! Cortex loves us after all!" Tiny leaped in the air.

Nina shook her head. "Actually, uncle Neo was worried that another evil scientist will capture you and steal his 'brilliant designs.'"

All four of them walked to the airship, when Nina stopped. "Wait. Is that a Hot Topic store over there? I'll be back." She ran over to a nearby store, leaving the three mutants alone again.

"I really feel like I learned something from all this. I definitely…" F.C.'s lecture was interrupted by a scream. The frail apartment owner from before ran toward them and hid behind Tiny.

"Ya better run! That bitch's crazy! She wants ta put me in that crazy net thing!" the man warned.

The goth spirit hunter from before appeared, brandishing her killer net. "There you are, Stupidity! I thought there was one missing from my collection. Now stand aside, O formidable orange beast."

Tiny picked up the weak man by his pants and glared at him. "So, you're the one who made Tiny not smart! Tiny smash!" He drew back his powerful fist and knocked the wretched man sky high.

"Great. Now I shall have to stand here until the malevolent spirit comes down." The girl stood with her net outstretched, watching the sky.

Nina came back, looking thoroughly pissed off. "That wasn't a Hot Topic. It was a…*shudders*…American Eagle! The nerve of those bastards, painting the windows black." she muttered.

The four piled into the airship and set a course for the Islands. "I'll tell you what, I'm not going to miss this place a bit!" Fake Crash remarked once they were in the air.

"**:}**" Ripper Roo agreed.

"Yeah! Good riddance." Tiny looked down at New York City, which was now far below them.

"It sure is beautiful from up here, though." F.C. observed. The mutants all smiled as they watched the tiny human dots shuffle around the huge obelisks, blissfully unaware of the hidden world floating above them.

As soon as Nina left the controls to go to the bathroom, a furry figure stole into the cockpit and reset the autopilot.

"Teehee, it's about time for another exciting adventure with my friends. Now we'll all be together forever," said Fake Crash as he set a course for Japan. The airship screeched to a halt in midair, and turned in a new direction. Nina, Ripper Roo, and Tiny looked out the huge windows contentedly, completely unaware that they were on a course for a new horizon.

**A/N: Well, that's the end! Maybe there's a future for a sequel. Like it? Review Now!**


End file.
